(PARTY NOISES)
- Someone's having a good time. - Let's go spoil it!
Come on, what are you waiting for?
- Nothing. - Good, cos I liked him.
- Sidelski is a thief, Sergeant. - Doesn't stop me liking him.
According to the assistant divisional head of criminal militia,
North Gdansk, he is bleeding Poland dry, nicking its history.
- Who's buying it? - Homesick Poles. They're everywhere.
Canada, South America, the States.
My guv'nor said if we drew a blank we'd to drop it or let you take it.
Antiques aren't worth the effort.
Trouble is, our bosses have spoken.
They reckon your crime figures need bumping up.
Oh, yeah?
They both agree this case needs an expert.
It's here somewhere. Bear with me a minute.
Never chuck anything away you might need or get a good price for.
Hello! Yep. Aha! There it is.
My daughter Vicki's. She plays well. Good backhand. Runs in the family.
But her spaghetti will never be a patch on mine!
Perfect.
Al Dente... whoever he is!
- Spaghetti alla puttanesca. - Mmm! Delicious.
- It's from the Lazio region. - Lazio? I know someone in Lazio.
Gazza? Beppe Signori? Great left foot.
GOOOOAL LAZIO! More vino?
- Thank you. - What do you think?
- It's a little bold even for you. - But is it bold enough?
Mm-hm...
Lovejoy, what's going on?
You've never invited me to eat here.
Just trying to repay all your favours.
- Are you after money? It's a bad time.
No! I'm being hospitable.
Are we going to bed to make mad, passionate love?
After this you'd sound like an accordion.
So romantic!
That's why Italians have three-hour siestas.
- Oh, no, really! - That's the one. Yes.
- Where are you going? - Women's Institute.
What's he doing at the Women's Institute?
What everyone does at the Women's Institute... Talk about sex.
If these objects are anything to go by,
I think his talk will be fascinating.
Ladies, Major Dill.
Ladies, can anyone define for me the word "erotica"?
Now, don't all blush at once.
Your reluctance is not surprising,
for by its very definition, "that which arouses and titillates",
erotica has been sentenced to the deep, dark dungeons of our desires.
- Best place for it! - Thank you.
Is there a dark purpose behind this exquisite creature?
WOMAN: No!
Beauty, yes. Truth, certainly.
Arousal, hopefully.
What about these two, then?
D'you call what they're doing beautiful?
I certainly do. And, please, it's irreplaceable!
It's disgusting. You lot should be ashamed!
AUDIENCE: Sit down!
There you are! These ladies are committed to the liberation of art.
- By listening to a dirty old man? - Pardon?
Pass it round. Have a good look.
Then tell me it won't corrupt and deprave.
- What do you mean? - There's a law against it.
- Who cares? - I do!
And who are you?
I'm a copper.
And you're nicked!
Maggie, I wanted him stitched up, not the contents of his mantelpiece.
It's 3-D porn.
That blue-rinse beak, she'll hang him for it.
No, girl, his brief'll eat you!
On the other hand, all may not be lost.
Follow me... and be enlightened.
- All belong to you? Valuable? - What's this all about?
Yes.
Well, I hope you said goodbye to it. I'm confiscating it.
Excuse me...
This is not pornography, this is real art.
- Did I say otherwise? - Then why am I here?
Your own good. From little acorns great big whatsits grow.
Talking of which...
did you grow this yourself or send out for it?
- What is it? - Hashish.
Afghani Black by the smell.
So, what's on your mind?
You know Konrad Dekker?
We have a mutual regard. I hate his guts, he hates mine.
Why?
You know the Lincoln town hall picture?
That your dad gave you? Valuable but horrible.
- It's hanging in Dekker's gallery. - He nicked it?
- Of course! - Why didn't you notice?
It's so horrible I keep it under the bed.
You know how I am at housekeeping.
You, er, you want it back?
Of course, I want it back!
It may be horrible but it's mine.
Pick you up around midnight.
- You don't have to! - I know that.
TINK: What did Dekker do to you?
LOVEJOY: 16 years ago, he picked up this bronze horse and dog
by Pierre Jules Mennes.
Every so often, there's a piece you'd kill for, right, Tink?
TINK: Right.
LOVEJOY: Dekker thought it was stolen. Gets me to clean it.
I take it home and he sends round a young copper, Arnie Pulver.
TINK: Who sees it and realises it's hot?
LOVEJOY: Right. Dekker denies all knowledge leaving me in the cart.
TINK: What happened?
I guess it just wasn't my turn.
Arnie took the bronze, stopped to buy fags,
and while he was in the shop his car got nicked.
Bang went the evidence.
- Let's go! - Where to?
About half-an-hour back in time.
It's not my fault.
Stop looking at me like that.
Why? Am I upsetting you?
Aha!
Such a pleasure to see you again and especially in so much trouble!
This your picture, Mr Dekker?
Indeed so,
and by chance, I happen to have the receipt with me, signed by Mr Dill.
KONRAD: Exquisite, don't you think, Lovejoy?
The light falling as it does, the children playing,
the mothers gossiping...
- The storm gathering. - I see no storm.
It's on its way, Konnie, it's on its way.
MAGGIE: Follow me, sir.
Forms to sign.
Anything to put away a rogue. I'll take this.
All in the fullness of time, Mr Dekker. Right now, it's evidence.
- When will I get it? - Can't say.
You stitch him up too, Arnie?
He jumped at the chance to drop you in it.
Take this as flattery, Lovejoy, we needed an expert.
- I can't wait to work with you! - Religious artefacts from Poland.
We know who's bringing it in, some egghead sea captain called Sidelski.
We think it's big. One of your mob will be involved. You'll need that.
Find out who and you're off the hook.
Both of you.
(SHIP'S HORN BLASTS)
You must admire Pulver's knowledge of human nature.
I am a pushover, easy to bully, unreliable...
Treacherous!
He knows the only person who'd help me is you.
Well, was you... You must admit...
I looked after you for ten years, shared every deal.
OK, nearly every deal.
I paid you, put brandy in your veins...
- Gin. - Gin!
- It wasn't all one-way. - Exactly. So why did you fit me up?
Don't ever speak to me again, Tink!
And if Pulver thinks I come cheap, he's wrong!
- Is Sidelski here? - He's over there.
Ha!
Good move, Sidelski!
- You play? - Yeah, sometimes.
You be Nigel, I'll be Gary. Come. I set up the pieces.
- Mr? - Cartwright.
You're not a sailor, Mr Cartwright. The hands, too soft.
- So... what are you? - Antiques dealer.
Sidelski, this is Dill.
And you come to beg a favour, I see.
- Na-zdrowie! - Na-zdrowie!
MAN: Na-zdrowie!
From who do you come?
A mutual friend in Customs and Excise.
You, er, know they've given up on you, you know, don't you?
Ten facet mowie juz mammez guovy teck o Dransfield, eh?
- You are sure? - Positive.
He is, how do you say, "one of us".
Cur-ved.
I think he means bent.
I prefer cur-ved.
If I gave you a list of stuff people wanted,
could you get it for me?
Perhaps, but I ask what will Mr Cartwright do for me?
Could he get for me, perhaps, a Lada?
- He means a fridge. - I mean the car.
In Poland they sell for big money.
Why? Because we have none. All gone west!
Yeah. It can be arranged.
But this trip you have nothing left?
Oh, no, nothing.
- And soon we go home to Gdansk. - Mm-hm.
Let me put it this way...
You don't just deliver stuff and see it disappear.
Where does it go?
I am just a poor sea captain.
Fair enough.
Benedict Farm, Great Furlow.
You ask for Mr Adam Bailey
but you do not say where you heard his name.
- Na-zdrowie. - Na-zdrowie.
Red!
The Lada you get me next time must be red.
In Poland...
...believe me, we need bright colours.
- Pigs? Cattle? Sheep? - No, money!
- Didn't give him much option. - Well!
- Thanks for lunch. - Pleasure. Come on, you two.
Beth, express my surprise, will you?
Tink says, "Gordon Bennett!"
Blimey! It's Charlotte.
Seat belts, please.
In Xanadu did Adam Bailey a stately pleasure dome decree.
Where does Rosebud Cavendish fit in?
You don't think she's fallen from grace, do you?
On the fiddle? Why not?
- Things change. - You spoke to each other!
TOGETHER: No, we didn't!
Just thinking out loud.
Polish relics seem a bit thin on the ground.
Ooh! Very tasty!
What is this place?
It's very tasty indeed, Beth.
We used to call it Uncle's.
Many's a time Mum used to send me down to Uncle's
with Dad's watch, or his suit,
or, er, pots and pans.
- What are you talking about? - Adam Bailey is a pawnbroker.
Hello.
Would you tell me what you were doing at Adam Bailey's?
That is none of your business.
- Seems he deals in stolen antiques. - Rubbish!
- He's put some business my way. - Like what?
An auction.
Unclaimed things to sell off and get his money back.
Polish relics?
No idea! I haven't seen the list yet. What's it to you?
We're helping the police with their enquiries.
(LAUGHING) Yes, of course, you are!
You are?
- The auction, when is it? - Friday.
Arnie!
If you two would talk, we wouldn't need her. There'd be room.
Beats me why they're still together.
Mills without Boon? Gin without tonic?
Jekyll without Hyde?
Hey, look. There he is.
PULVER: Mrs Bailey and the Baileyettes?
- The perfect family man. - They're always the worst.
BAILEY: Thank you, boys.
- Mr Bailey? - Yes. Morning.
Detective-Sergeant Pulver. Mr Dill.
- How do you do? - Morning.
- Can I help? - Yes. Is the paperwork all kosher?
Yes. Every item, description, name and address of owner, credit given...
Mr Dill, your opinion?
George I. Walnut. Daniel Delander. £6,000.
You gave £1,500. Was he desperate?
They always are. I try to help. Has someone complained?
Not yet.
Making a profit doesn't make me a criminal.
Not all profit. Kinkozan vase? Kinkozan vase. Worth £2,000.
Worth 2p! This vase and Japan are complete strangers to each other.
- Fake? - 'Fraid so, old bean.
You need an expert more than me. We'll have a look round, OK?
The police never bothered us in your father's time.
- Really? - Don't worry.
They always try to catch me out. They never do.
I'll tell you what I think, shall I?
- You did a deal with Bailey. - What?
Where are the relics? Not at the barn or the auction.
- Finding the stuff is your job! - Yes.
Well, as marshal of Suffolk County I'm deputising you lot.
You may have a hold over them but not me.
You could be up to your neck in it.
You knew I'd be at the auction. Maybe you warned him.
That is outrageous!
For you to accuse me of conspiracy.
Ooh! Touchy. What does that mean? Secrets?
Enough psychology. What d'you want?
Go to Sidelski. Find out where the stuff goes.
We're getting him a Lada.
- Has your cousin got it yet? - Working on it.
What's my part in all this?
When Bailey asks you to do another auction, fall over yourself to help.
- What if he doesn't ask? - He will... Lovejoy'll see to that.
Can I help you?
If not, I'm in terrible trouble!
Cash-flow problems. You know how it is.
Indeed. Is this the article?
- Morning. - Morning.
Charlotte Cavendish put me on to you.
- Charlotte? - Mmm. Lovejoy.
- Adam Bailey. - I'm strapped.
Not any more, Mr Lovejoy. Come in.
Go straight through. Thank you, Julie.
Take a seat.
It's a, er, it's a Van Muyen, 1756.
Right.
- You've provenance for this? - Mmm.
- It's worth £15,000. I don't expect... - OK.
- Do you mind if I phone Charlotte? - No, you can't be too careful.
Oh! Bouchet du Roy. Louis Seize.
Do you know, Mr Bailey, that he only made?
- Hang on. CHARLOTTE: Hello?
Charlotte? Adam Bailey.
Morning. Just doing your account. You did well.
That means you did too.
- I've a gentleman here, a Mr... - Lovejoy.
...Lovejoy. You know him?
Know him?! Couldn't live without him. Professionally, that is.
- Why? - He's brilliant.
Dealers come from all over for his advice.
Right. Thanks.
I'd like to discuss another auction.
- I thought we agreed just one. - You just said how well we did.
Bye. (DIALLING TONE)
- She's a big fan, Mr Lovejoy. - Yeah?
I'm sorry. You were saying about the clock.
- You know he only made 12 of these. - So I was told.
- By the man who didn't reclaim it. - Lord Bensham?
Yes.
It's OK. I sold it to him ten years ago.
You deal with the rich and famous?
I did.
Arnie.
Give me a break.
I'd love to. Round about the fourth vertebrae. How'd it go?
I made contact. I got £5,000 for a £3,000 painting.
Lovejoy, let's get one thing crystal.
This is not a way for you to make money...
- Arnie! - It's him.
Out the back.
You play this for your own ends, I promise...
Please!
- Bailey! - Mind if I come in?
- No. - Thank you.
Listen, Mr Lovejoy, I've been checking up on you.
I've checked on you. Your record.
- Please, no offence. - I was in prison. Fact.
Which says you see life as I do.
- A chance waiting to be taken. - For a profit.
Believe me, there is. And from the most unlikely places.
It's the home market I'd like your advice on.
You see, pawnbroking is good business,
but it's an even better front.
(CLATTERING)
That's the pub dog, scavenging.
Go on! Get out of it. Go on!
They keep threatening to have him done. Scarper!
Sorry about that.
So, er...
- Good business, better front? - Picture this...
I walk into a house that has wall-to-wall antiques.
But do I know what's good or bad? No. So I take the lot.
Which is dangerous.
But what if you came too?
An expert!
Yeah, well, stealing has never been the problem, Bailey.
It's selling it on.
To people like Charlotte, you mean? Unsuspecting people.
Yes. And no danger to themselves.
Find in Land's End, sell in John O'Groats.
- Six months later? - Or a year. Two. Five, maybe.
By which time every piece has its owner. On paper.
"I paid out to him. He didn't reclaim."
We could make a fortune.
Lovejoy, I mean a fortune!
Sleep on it. And maybe dream about our first victim.
Problems? With Bailey?
- Wants me to rob a house. - What?!
You heard.
This is getting out of hand. You seen Sidelski yet?
- Is he back? You should've said! - That's no, is it?
"No, I haven't, I'm dragging my feet."
Now steady on, young man!
You've already made two grand. Now you want to go housebreaking!
If all else fails, do Bailey for that.
Lovejoy. I'm running this show. Not you. Me.
- Which house? - I was thinking of Konrad Dekker's.
(HORN BEEPS)
Lovejoy!
This is Roderick.
- Good to meet you. - This is a Lada.
- What design! - It's more functional.
And a functional car you can afford!
Save it, Rod. This is King Spieler!
Class! Front seats brown, back seats blue!
There's a reason for that. Safety.
12,000 miles and one careful owner, right?
- Logbook. - The front's or the back's?
- Pardon?!
We both know it's two wrecks welded together.
Two for the price of one!
He's good, isn't he? How much?
- Two grand. - You deserve it for your cheek!
It's a deal if you spray it red and get the seats all the same colour.
- All right, darling? - Yeah.
Over you go.
Thought any more about my suggestion?
- Suppose I decline your offer? - No harm done.
It was only a conversation. Pity, though.
I only said "suppose". I didn't say I had.
The drive's about 400 yards...
- What car? - We use your Land Rover.
- Whatever, we'll come out rich! - You know the people?
His name's Dekker. There's an alarm.
I'll see to that.
You've done this sort of thing before, eh?
I suggest we move on Friday which is the 28th.
Dekker'll be at the dealers' bun fight in Thetford.
Sure?
He's guest speaker on a subject he'll soon be expert on -
fine art insurance.
Thank you, that was lovely.
That's good.
LOVEJOY: Was. Say hello to the kids. - Oh, you were a great hit!
Lovejoy... Here, go on. Take it.
- What? - A gesture. Between friends.
- Oh, Adam! Thank you. - Safe journey!
Good night, Charlotte.
- Mind how you go. - Thank you.
- Thanks again. - I'll talk to you soon.
Yeah.
It's a long drive. Nearly 200 yards.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- What a great evening! - Mmm.
Would you ask him what he's doing here?
- What are you doing here? - I came to see how it went.
I can't do it.
- What do you mean? - I can't set Adam Bailey up.
Because he gave back a painting?
He wants to rob houses, Lovejoy. He steals relics from Poland.
He's a nice man with a nice family.
Betrayal does not come easily to me.
Nor me.
I'll see Pulver tomorrow and call it off.
- He'll charge us! - And whose fault is that, eh?
- Help, Charlotte! - Why? You dropped her in it too.
Last week she was a blue chip auction house. Not now.
I'm sorry.
He can't keep on apologising.
Why not? Say it till I tell you to stop.
Oh, leave him alone!
Oh, don't take it to heart, Tink. I'm sure he doesn't mean it.
Captain Sidelski!
Ah! The friend of Mr Cartwright.
Look what I've brought.
Ah! That is not a red Lada, my friend.
That is a red Lada. Such a car I pay good moneys for. £300.
I didn't know Poles had a sense of humour.
We don't! But you have! Come, make your joke.
- 2,500. - Oh, that's a very bad joke.
- Are you a betting man? - You bet!
We play for him. Come.
Check.
Oh! Dunka!
You play a good game, Mr Dill.
You do for them what they cannot do in three years.
Na-zdrowie!
Best of three, perhaps?
What did we say?
- 2,000? - 2,500!
Mr Dill! The expert.
Mr Bailey.
Your money, Captain.
- You won't have a drink? - Not today. See you next month.
Mr Dill. Just a moment, please.
Mr Bailey. What can I do for you?
Last time we met you were with a policeman.
Yes...
- Now my supplier. - Small world?
- Police work today? - No.
- So whose work? - My own.
Doing what?
I sold Sidelski a car.
- You're in antiques. - It's an old car.
- I asked for stuff you didn't want. - You moving in?
- You're beginning to sweat, Mr Dill. - It's the gin.
I haven't been well.
Oh, dear!
Let's get something perfectly clear.
Sidelski supplies me and only me.
I understand.
I wish I could be absolutely sure that you did.
- A lift, Mr Dill? - Oh, it's OK. I'll take him.
For this relief, much thanks.
- Business as usual, then? - Whatever usual is.
Lovejoy, what will Pulver do if you don't help?
Nothing. He knows when to quit.
In spite of wanting Bailey?
Why are you so keen to nail him?
- He was giving you business. - Yes...
- Would you ask him how it went? - Oh, God! They're not still at that?
- How did it go? - Moneywise, OK.
- Otherwise, I'm not sure.
Otherwise, he's not sure.
- No, I'm sure. - Cancel that. He's sure.
- Bailey threatened me. - Rubbish!
He wasn't there!
- He wants sympathy. - What happened?
Bailey recognised me. Asked what I was after and to get off his patch.
Ask him to show us the bruises!
It didn't get that far.
I was saved by a Lada. I was very nearly cat food!
LOVEJOY: Poor cat! Prrrr!
You didn't believe him?
The old fool just wants more sympathy. And Bailey banged up.
Bailey's not a complete angel.
And we are?
Bailey and my dad had an understanding.
Sam used to auction nicked stuff saying it was unreclaimed.
Sam pawned a piece which didn't belong to him with Bailey.
Bailey found out and had him over a barrel.
What? And said to you, like, once more for old time's sake,
otherwise I'll tell this story to everybody?
Not exactly, but that's what he meant. So I agreed. Just the once.
- The other day he asked me again. - You said?
- No. - So did he blackmail you or not?
No.
I'm not going to grass someone up for trying to give you business.
Beth, I'm off to the cop shop.
PULVER: Knocked off his bike?
What d'you mean? Where, for God's sake?
- Call me back. - Guv, Lovejoy.
I know what it's about.
- You do? Tinker. - I'm sorry...
Tinker, be damned! I'm here to say I won't set up Bailey.
- Tink? - Wait! I ask the questions.
What do you mean, it's off?
- What about Tinker? - Someone knocked him off his bike.
We're on it. But what are you up to?
- Where is he? - He's OK!
Take me to him. Now!
- What am I? A taxi? - Yeah.
You prat!
Look at the state of you!
It's in my caravan, under the bed.
What?
A box. There's some things in it, with my will.
- Leave it out! - I'm not long for this world.
- I don't want you to feel bad. - Why would I?
I've left everything to you.
I tried to change it when we weren't speaking to each other
but who else is there?
Yeah, how much?
Lovejoy, there's a time and a place!
Before you go, Tink, who did this? Sidelski?
No, no, no. Bailey.
Didn't I say?
Family man. Always the worst.
LOVEJOY: I came to say it was off with Bailey...
It's on again. Tomorrow night.
- Well? - Come on.
I'll choose, you wrap.
Any good?
Pierre Jules Mennes.
BAILEY: How much d'you reckon? LOVEJOY: Rough guess, 100 grand.
BAILEY: Two hours! Some people work a lifetime for that!
I'd slow down on this road, Adam. A bit dangerous.
An old geezer got knocked off his bike round here the other day.
Don't think I said, I have this Polish connection.
Religious stuff. I pass it on to a bloke in Birmingham.
Good price?
I was going to ask you about that some time.
Now, maybe. Mind if we take the long way home?
No.
I pick the stuff up at sea, way up the coast, different place each time.
Then I bring it here.
- Where exactly are we? - Morton's Wharf, Great Furlow.
Is the guy screwing me?
No, as a matter of fact, it's a good price. But why the canal boat?
Police think if you steal something, you move it quick,
planes, cars, helicopters.
They wouldn't suspect something going at 4 mph to Birmingham.
Exactly.
You're a class act, Bailey.
Lights, Lovejoy, by the door.
I love this moment. It's called job satisfaction.
Why?
The old boy you knocked off his bike... A friend of mine.
Why isn't this man behind bars?
First my gallery, then my home. What now, my soul?
Where would I find it?
You've to identify the pieces.
Why is he drinking coffee and not hemlock?
He's waxing poetic!
- This way, Mr Dekker. - What about flogging?
Calm down.
Beth, it's me. Just listen.
Morton's Wharf, Great Furlow.
I want you to meet me there in half an hour.
You've got the stuff but you don't know where?!
We've got Bailey, who's not talking yet. Sit down.
Lovejoy, get off that bloody phone.
- I want all you know about Bailey. - I bet!
Sit down.
I said sit...
You're forgetting something, Arnie.
I want the paperwork on a certain break-in at a certain gallery
and everything you have on Tinker.
Right, you've got it.
Not now, Lovejoy. There are people to see, wrinkles to smooth out.
Fine. Give me a shout. You know where I am.
Lovejoy!
Just a little steamed fish, followed by a bowl of rice pudding.
Sorry, it's stroganoff and brandy.
Oh, that'll do nicely, thank you.
- Grub up! - We're not sharing ours.
D'you want to sit and watch us eat, Arnie?
Can't stop. Box of erotic antiques plus paperwork.
And the stuff from Dekker.
PULVER: We're quits. LOVEJOY: I wouldn't say that, Arnie.
It's over. Bailey's told us where to find the Polish gear.
Good.
- Sidelski? - Can't touch him.
That's OK, I liked him.
- So where was the stuff? - On a barge!
Customs are dealing with it, thank God.
- They'll never find it. - Why not?
- Lovejoy... I said, why not? - I've got it.
- Not here! Don't be daft. So, what do you think?
Like you said, every now and then there's a piece you could kill for.
Tell you what, Arnie, I'll make you a deal.
I'll say where the Polish stuff is if I can have this.
- Yeah? What do I tell Dekker? - I don't care.
But you can arrest him for nicking your car when you were buying fags.
15 years ago.
You're kidding! Same piece? Same geezer?
You don't half keep a grudge. 15 years!
I hope I never get in your bad books. I'm not, am I?
What? You, Arnie? No chance.
- Come on. - What?
Box. Let's go.
- So, any suggestions? - What about?
How to get back at Pulver!